Fawn Response
Hello all, and happy March! I am sure we’re all glad to be moving out of hibernation and toward warmer days. I, for one, am using the warm weather energy to return from my Blog writing hiatus. Sometimes, my motivation to engage in expressive activities can feel entirely blocked, while other times, it’s all I want to focus on. I try to be mindful of this natural ebb and flow and identify it as a natural ebb and flow, not an opportunity to judge myself on my ability to output information each month! So, anyway, let’s get to it. This month's topic is the Fawn, otherwise known as “people pleasing” or submit response. I have been excited to explore it for a while, primarily drawing from the information I gather from my lovely clients and the many ways they have protected themselves with this innate survival mechanism. Today, I aim to describe what exactly fawn is, how one develops the response, how we can identify it, and how we can work to shift from this response when it is no longer serving us.
What is fawn?
Fawn is the lesser-known trauma or survival response, initially coined by Pete Walker in his book “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma.” Within the book, fawn is grouped with the more widely known “fight, flight, and freeze” responses and described as a survival mechanism that usually shows up in the context of trauma and abuse, where a person tries to please or placate others to gain approval, avoid conflict and rejection, or remain safe from real or perceived harm. Fawn response can emerge when an individual's safety and well-being depend on suppressing their own needs and appeasing the other to keep the peace.
Other researchers in the field, such as Janina Fisher, describe fawn similarly to Walker, but with an added emphasis on its dissociative elements and how a person can become disconnected from their emotions, needs, desires, and sense of self when their primary focus is on meeting the needs of another person. Fisher purports that this disconnection from self can become a deeply wired pattern, leading to self-identity challenges.
How did I develop this response?
Fawn is inherently a nervous system response developed to keep your body safe. Just as fight and flight are automatic outputs of our autonomic nervous system, so is fawn. Let’s say, for example, we encounter a situation where fight or flight are no longer viable options, such as when the danger is a caregiver, someone you are dependent upon, or you are trapped in a situation with no feasible exit or lack adequate strength to fight, the body will resort to a third response: appease and placate, to cope with the impending danger. In situations of child abuse and neglect, these occurrences can be repetitive, happening several times throughout the years of a child's developing lifespan. Over time, this response becomes biologically adaptive when fighting and escaping are impossible or could lead to even more unsafe outcomes.
In my experience working with those who have developed a fawn response, survivors can often describe a sort of misunderstanding or disgust with innate systems of fawn, understandably so, as this response can lead to even more challenging situations and traumatic incidents as our bodies continue to do what they have learned to do to survive. While we can recognize that fawning initially helps individuals navigate harmful environments, it can also lead to challenges in forming healthy relationships, asserting boundaries, and maintaining a cohesive sense of self.
How can I know when I am falling into this survival state?
It can be incredibly challenging to identify when you are falling into a state of fawn due to the survival nature of the response, which often occurs subconsciously. A great place to start is beginning to identify when, where, and with whom you may notice some of the following traits in your daily life:
Over apologizing
Hyperfocus on your partners’ needs in romantic relationships
Challenges with saying “no” in work settings, relationships, during intimacy, etc.
Conflict avoidance
Over-accommodation in family dynamics
Submission to authority figures
Over-justification of self
Self-neglect and putting others first
Suppressing needs and feelings
How do I support myself in healing my fawn response?
Mindfulness
The first step is to identify and recognize your fawn patterns. Our emotions can be excellent tools for determining when to implement a boundary or stand up for our needs. For example, anger can be a warning sign that our boundaries are being violated or disrespected, and sadness can let us know when our personal limits, needs, or feelings have been ignored. Asking yourself questions such as: What am I feeling? After spending time with friends, family, or your partner. And questions like, Am I placing my needs aside to please others or avoid conflict? Can help you gain more mindful awareness of how fawn shows up in your daily life.
2. Developing awareness of and insight into core boundaries, values, and needs
Boundaries: getting firm on what you are willing to tolerate and not tolerate at work, with peers, family, and romantic relationships. For example, sitting with yourself and identifying if there is a need to decrease calls with family from three times a week to once per week to balance other daily activities? Or does the weekly work call with your colleague need to be moved to later to accommodate your other work duties? Remember to start small here and use the sense of accomplishment when a boundary is completed to motivate you and support your confidence in creating more!
Values: Becoming more transparent about what you value for your life and relationships can help you reconnect with your authentic self. When caught up in fawn response, you may have spent most of your life prioritizing others’ needs over your own, which can cause a disconnection from what truly matters to you. Understanding your values can give you the clarity needed to rebuild self-worth, cultivate healthier relationships, and move away from automatic people-pleasing behaviors, supporting your overall healing journey. Example: If one of your core values is honesty, you might recognize that avoiding confrontation to please others goes against your authentic self. By honoring this value, you start setting boundaries and speaking up for yourself, which helps you feel more confident and aligned with your true needs.
Needs: Identifying your needs can be one of the most challenging parts of recovery for a people-pleaser. It’s not always easy to figure out what your needs are, and even harder to honor them without self-doubt or harsh judgment. Give yourself the time and space to explore what you truly need, what you like and don’t like, and be patient with yourself as you discover this. As you become more aware of your needs, practice expressing them to others without fear of rejection or guilt.
3. Empathy & Compassion for wounded parts of self
Empathy: Develop an understanding of where the fawn part of yourself originated. Recognize the survival experiences that shaped this part of you and how the fawn response helped you stay safe in difficult or threatening situations. This part of you developed as a coping mechanism, allowing you to navigate and survive challenges by pleasing others, avoiding conflict, and gaining approval. It was a way to maintain peace and protect yourself emotionally or physically in environments where safety felt uncertain. However, as you grow and heal, it's important to honor this part with compassion, recognizing that it was a strategy that once served you but may no longer be necessary or healthy.
Compassion: Offer your younger fawn part of self kind words such as, "You did the best you could to feel safe and loved, and I'm proud of you for doing what you needed to survive." Or you might say, "I see how scared and alone you felt. It's okay to feel that way, and you're not alone anymore." Additionally, instead of pushing it away or criticizing it, let it know that it’s part of your story, but it’s okay to evolve. Show your fawn part that it's allowed to express itself authentically without fear of rejection.
Thanks for reading! If you are interested in learning more about fawn, how to heal from this response, or develop more compassion for your wounded parts of self, reach out for a free 15-minute consultation here!
References:
Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving: A guide and map for recovering from childhood trauma. Greenleaf Book Group Press.
Fisher, J. (2017). Healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors: Overcoming internal self-alienation. Norton & Company.
