IMPOSTER SYNDROME
An interesting duality that can exist inside of us is a part of self that is capable, strong, intelligent, and working in line with goals and aspirations, alongside a part that resembles a grouchy troll who can’t seem to stop shouting thoughts and ideas such as, “you’re doing something wrong,” or “you need to do more!” One of the most peculiar things about these parts of self is that our grouchy part can often take in and remember every ounce of perceived and real criticism. While, in contrast, our capable part seems to disregard any feedback contrary to negative internal beliefs.
Let’s take an example. You just achieved a significant milestone at work and have received an email of praise from a higher-up at your company, cheering you on for your hard and dedicated work. Ah, yes, it feels good. We bask in those good feelings for maybe a split second before grouchy troll comes in and says, “Well, I’m sure they just missed that error you made on page two, paragraph one of your proposal,” or “Wow, they must have gotten the wrong person, I don’t think this email was meant to go to me.” And this process continues; the part of you that is capable and strong continues to excel at work, while the inner bully rambles on about how none of this makes sense, how could this be me, I’m –I’m, an imposter. Sound familiar?
Why does it seem that when we receive positive feedback, it gets locked away in the deepest file folder of our mind or even tossed out completely into the bin? But when we receive even the slightest ounce of criticism or perceived criticism, it's used as our new internal soundtrack. It’s intriguing how the space between what is currently happening (we are succeeding and progressing as normal) and what that grumpy inner voice states is true (we are a failure, and if anyone finds out, we’re doomed).
Let’s get curious about where this self-deprecating part of self may come from. Sometimes, in childhood, our parents, guardians or other important mentors in our life are excited about new opportunities for us. They want us to be engaged, active, and interested in learning new things. While being in new environments as a child is important and helpful with development, sometimes pressures can build, whether in school, during sports, or in social settings. For example, a parent who is pushing for their child to achieve their full potential may point out the child's inadequacies as a way to motivate the child to work harder. While providing constructive criticism can foster an encouraging learning environment for some, there is often a need for validation and support amongst criticism. If a child receives too much criticism growing up, they may develop feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. Children can also act as little metaphorical sponges who pick up the language and demeanors expressed by those around them. If Grandma or Uncle Bob are putting themselves down, a child may learn that they should communicate with themselves in that way, too. Kids can also grow up in environments where specific high standards are held within the home, in school, or on the sports team. Being held to high standards that are impossible to achieve can make it difficult to produce work that ever feels like it is fully “good enough.”
Additionally, Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) such as abuse, neglect, and turmoil within the home, school, or other social settings can lead to low self-esteem and the development of shame and negative internal beliefs. Other factors that can lead to the development of imposter syndrome include certain cultural or environmental factors, such as race, sexual orientation, gender identity, body size, or socioeconomic status. Some children may note a difference in how they are treated versus their peers, which can impact their self-esteem negatively and cause them to turn inward and wonder what might be wrong with them or ponder why they may not receive the same acceptance as others.
When experiencing the above examples, a child or teen may develop an internal “guide” or “voice” that mimics what they hear around them. “Work harder,” “You must be the best,” “Do this or be this way, and you will receive love, or your peers will like you.” A child or adolescent then learns that pushing themselves, putting themselves down, or making themselves small in terms of appearance, tone of voice, or expression may be the safest option for them to avoid ridicule or exile from the larger social group and, eventually, this tactic may even lead them to meet their greatest attachment need; love and acceptance from those around them. So, in a way, this internal critic becomes a way to stay safe and remain protected.
So as we venture into adulthood, and we’re sat at our new desk at our new job, experiencing this gut-wrenching feeling of, “How did I get here? This has to be a mistake.” It appears that this grouchy troll part of us might just be that wounded child trying to protect himself after all. I often ask my clients who are struggling with self-worth and imposter syndrome, “If beating yourself up all the time worked, wouldn't it have worked by now?”
What we may not always understand or quite be able to see when recovering from a bout of imposter syndrome is that as we connect with our strong and capable parts, we actually build a more resilient sense of self. We can begin to hold onto the evidence of positive reinforcement and use that to soften negative beliefs.
Okay, sure. But what are some actual, tangible tips to help soften these beliefs? Well, I am glad you asked. Here are a few that have helped me, my clients, and my peers recover from that grumpy, grouchy part inside:
Stay grounded in reality and understand the facts.
Set up reminders of times when you have received positive feedback, e.g., sticky notes of positive statements shared from colleagues, peers, and family, emails outlining accomplishments, framing awards and hanging them in your office, etc.
Know that we cannot learn unless we receive some constructive feedback.
We have to fail at some point! Remember, we are human.
Be aware of your filter.
Like we discussed above, our brain is often looking out for threat. So those negative comments, experiences, failures, etc. may feel a little bit more sticky than those that are positive. Thanks brain for trying to keep me safe, but I think I’ve got it!
Also, sometimes, especially when we are not yet aware of our own passive communication, we may read direct and assertive communication from others as offensive or aggressive when it is not! If you're unsure, take the time to follow up and ask someone what they meant.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions, and be vulnerable!
If anyone around you in a new position or space in life is trying to act like they had it all figured out when they were in your position, I doubt it! Everyone starts somewhere. And if you can’t receive the support you need in the environment you are currently in, I suggest looking elsewhere.
Have some compassion for the part of you that has been taking in all that negative feedback - he/she/they have just been trying to protect you! Even if it doesn’t always feel that way.
Picture this part as a younger part of you, maybe even carry a photo of them around with you. Sometimes it can feel easier to be compassionate to a younger part of us versus our present-day adult self.
Know that experiencing some imposter syndrome when starting something new is NORMAL. It actually means you care a lot about what you are doing, who you are helping, etc.
Societally and intergenerationally, criticism is woven deep into our roots. It seems that often, compassion is not our default but something we must continue to work toward as a society. Often when I put forth the idea of compassion as a way through depression and low self-esteem; I am met with the responses such as, “I’d never do anything if I were kind to myself,” or “You want me to be nice to myself? When I have failed at everything?” Maybe it’s that demanding, grumpy, critical inner voice stops you from believing in yourself. Maybe it is a gentle hand that must be extended to that part inside that is holding the pain and criticism you’ve received throughout life, and maybe it’s time to let that part know that it no longer needs to protect you; you’ve got this now. And through gentle awareness and holding of that part, you can be set free.
